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What Is Holding You Back?

Are you stuck in an endless cycle of attempting to ‘get your life together’ but you just can’t seem to land on your feet? Bonnie and Lily discuss some of the common reasons people struggle to make progress when decluttering their homes. They also take a deep dive into the Victim Vs. Victor mentality and show you how you can take back control of your life by changing the way you think. EPISODE SHOW NOTES

Episode Transcript

BONNIE: Hello
and welcome, this episode we are talking about what is holding you back. So we
are going to discuss some of the common questions that come up that seem to
hold us back from getting traction on getting organised and we are going to
take a deep dive into the victim versus victor mentality and talk about how you
can live above the line instead of below it. 

LILY: But
before we get into today’s episode we of course have to tell you about some of
the freebees that we have up for grabs at the moment.

1.   
If
you need help getting organised and you just want a structured system to check
out our organising
cheat sheet
it is so simple but so useful

2.   We have our decluttering
decision making tree
, so if you are someone who has tried to
declutter and you found yourself getting stuck, a decision making tree is
perfect because you can literally follow the yes / nos on it and figure out
what to do with an item if you are really not quite sure. 

And of course
Bonnie and I are very proud of the Essentials guide. It is a resource designed  to be accessible not matter where you are at
home, you do it online, you do it at your own pace, lifetime access and if you
are someone who wants the extra support, wants lots of information on the nitty
gritty details of how to organise any space in your home, definitely check out
https://littlehomeorganised.com.au/online-courses/the-essentials-guide/, just head to our website
littlehomeorganised.com.au and you can find off of these there. 

BONNIE: Ok so
today we are talking about what is holding you back and we are going to start
by just kind of talking about some of the common reasons why we struggle to
make progress, we want to get decluttered, we want to get organised, it is
almost like we should be talking about the model for change, you know that
whole cycle that we can get stuck in

LILY: The
stages of change?

BONNIE: The
stages of change

LILY: pre
contemplation, contemplation

BONNIE: Yes, I
love that model.  So lets talk about the
first reason that people tend to get stuck. 

LILY: So if you
don’t have a goal, we have an episode on this of course, SMART
goals
, check it out, but if you don’t have one, it is highly likely
that you may get lost because there isn’t a sense of direction of something
that you are working towards, having a goal in all areas of life is
important. 

BONNIE: Yeah
you are absolutely right, if we don’t have the end destination in mind we don’t
really know which direction the journey is going to go in, so we can just be
spinning around in circles not knowing which way to go and that is why the goal
is so important because it gives us something to aim for

LILY: Now the
reason we like SMART goals and talk about them all the time is because it is a
really cool acronym that breaks down goal setting so you can make sure your
goal is actually going to be achievable and one of the reasons that people get
overwhelmed with decluttering and organisation is that they bite off more than
they can chew, we talk about the classic example of someone going into their
entire garage and wanting to like blitz that out on a Saturday and they haven’t
done any organising or decluttering, or if they have it has been a long time
and it just becomes so overwhelming, you know we bite off more than we can chew
and that is often a reason that we stop and we don’t pick things back up
again. 

BONNIE: That is
so true because we really need to flex our decluttering muscles and we need to
practice, practice, practice because practice does make perfect and we need to
start with something small and not emotional, have success with that and then
move onto bigger tasks and leave things like the garage for right down the end because
they are mammoth. 

LILY: One of
the other issues that comes up related to that is if you can’t see small
milestones and small achievements you don’t build that momentum, you don’t see
that reward, and we need rewards in life, if you have a really like big
promotion at work, something that helps you feel really good about it is a
reward, if a child completes their homework or their chores and they get a
reward, you know like these things they are all tied in throughout our life, is
this reinforcement for moving forward, for striving for all different kinds of
things.

BONNIE: It is
an incentive and this is so timely because at the moment we are toilet training
with our 2 year old who is doing a fantastic job, he will be 3 in a few months
and he is doing the whole when he does a poo on the toilet he gets a little
match box type car and the last week or so

LILY: Probably
similar in size

BONNIE: TMI,

LILY: You are
the one who brought up poo, continue

BONNIE: It is
so exciting because he has earnt probably 8-10 cars over the last week because
he is really just smashing in out and so now he will come into my parents
bedroom in the morning and be like, look grandma I got new cars and mum is like
oh what did you get those for and he goes I did a poo on the toilet, so the
whole reward system is really great, you may think oh that is reducing us to
these mindless animals who we are training

LILY: I hate to
break it to you, you are one, it is reality

BONNIE: It
really does work though, so why not embrace the system that actually
works. 

LILY: So the
other things that these rewards do is they are indicators, so the indicators of
progress, and we don’t like doing things as people if we feel like we are just
hamsters on a wheel turning, turning, turning, turning. 

BONNIE: We need
feedback

LILY: We want
to see progress, we want to see milestones

BONNIE: Yeah

LILY: We want
to know that we are on the right track, or that the efforts that we are putting
out are producing something.  So this is
one of those reasons where people get stuck is because they are not doing
things in a way where they can see those small achievements, they have either
gone in too hard, too quickly or there isn’t a system in place, it is just like
kind off all over the show and they don’t get to then sit back and appreciate their
work, a great way that you can monitor your progress and feel like you have
made a big difference is before and after photos, 

BONNIE: Yes
absolutely, and it is so funny because I am actually really bad at remembering
to take before photos and I get to half way through and I think of dang I
should have taken a before photo because it is really good for people who are
very visually and who do need that kind of reminder of this is actually what it
was like before we started and to be proud and to show other family or friends,
this is what it was like before and now look at it because when we can see that
visual difference it really is a really great feedback for us of this is how
far we have come.  This is what we have
achieved. 

LILY: Exactly
so before and after photos. 

BONNIE: They
are the way to do it, even if it is not something you want to share online or
share with anybody else, even if it is just for you, it is a really great
reminder of this is where I was and this is where I am now and it might be that
you are not at your end destination but you have made progress and that is
important to document that too. 

LILY: Another
common reason is of course being time poor and aren’t we time poor

BONNIE: Especially
being a parent it is just there is never enough time. 

LILY: You know
when I hadn’t had a child yet and people said that to me who are parents, I was
like oh parents are always going on about it,

BONNIE: Ha, You
have no idea what you are talking about

LILY: they just
love to whinge parents but you know there is an element of truth in that, that
there is so much less time and I am not at the point where I am about 3 with 1
on the way which is obviously your situation but time is precious, it is one of
our most precious resources and it is so, so essential that we use our time
well and we start to feel like if we are not intentional we lose that time for
us if we don’t make it, our time for our partners if we don’t make it, our one
on one time with our kids if we don’t make it

BONNIE: Yeah

LILY: Time is
like time is tricky, so one of the things that often overwhelms people is that
just think, oh I don’t even know where I would fit this in my day to try and
get on top of this and I know the problem is continuing to build and build and
build which is overwhelming in its self but I just don’t even know how to dive
in there and do something about it. 

BONNIE: You
know it is interesting because no matter who you are, we have all got 24 hours
in the day, it doesn’t matter whether you are a millionaire or a pauper or
someone in between we have all got 24 hours in the day and yes people who have
got lots of money who might have a lot of outsourcing done for them so that
makes it seem like it is easier for them but at the same time we have got a
decision to make with how we spend our 24 hours everyday and when you look back
over your last 24 hours or over your last couple of days or last couple of
weeks, what did you actually spend most of your time doing, because this then
indicates to us what our priorities are, so you might say, my priority is to
declutter but if you haven’t actually set aside any dedicated time to declutter
well you are just saying that that is a priority, you are not actually making
it happen.  So sometimes there are things
that do get in the way of us being able to make that time, like caring for
young children or caring for aging parents. 

LILY: A cat

BONNIE: Your
cat or someone who has got an injury or a disability and those are things that
are kind of non negotiable, you know we need our people in our lives to kind of
stay alive and thrive but if you look back over those times where you weren’t
engaged in that absolute necessity of caring for someone, what did you do with
that extra time, did you spend it mindlessly scrolling on social media, did you
go and binge watch some Netflix show, I mean if it really is a priority for
you, you need to set that time aside and actually make it happen and that is
why hiring a professional organiser can be really good because you have booked
that time in, you are paying for that time so you have got a bit more skin in
the game and you will actually get there and actually get it done, which will
help you kind of with your traction going forward. 

LILY: Another
visual way to think about this if you are a really visual person is I want you
to visualise a pie chart and imagine that your time. 

BONNIE: What
sort of pie

LILY: Mmmm
apple, what would you have. 

BONNIE: Something
with chocolate

LILY: Oh yeah
well I didn’t know chocolate was in the game. 
Um obviously chocolate

BONNIE:
chocolate gives me really bad reflux at the moment.  It is very sad. 

LILY: Um it is
your bodies way of being like no more. 
Yes so if you imagine you have a pie chart,  a whole pie chart, a whole pie on your chart
and you divide up your time into little slices of pie, so maybe 20% of your
time is spent at part-time work and 40% is child caring, caring for your kids
and 10% is spent doing stuff for yourself, whatever it is, this whole pie
chart, this 24hours is completely filled already right, no organising
decluttering considered, it is filled, you are on a mission now to declutter
and organise your home and you are like sweet, I have got to find time to do
that, that literally means you need to cut some of the pieces of the pie that
are already allotted and take them out and put the decluttering and organising
in. 

BONNIE: Yep so
just off load your children and there is 40% of your time back

LILY: Done

BONNIE: But no
seriously this is actually sometimes what you have to do, and when our clients
book in a session with us and they have still got toddlers or pre schoolers
that are at home they will often send that child to day-care or send that child
to a friend or family member so that they can make that time for decluttering,
because when you do declutter the idea is not that you do the same thing
repeatedly for the rest of your life, decluttering is suppose to be a okay this
is a project, it might be a big project, we are going to slowly work through it
over the next couple of weeks, months whatever it is and then once it is done
it is much easier to maintain my home so I don’t need to quite have such a big
chunk of my pie dedicated to that decluttering and organising because that
foundation is there and it is just about the maintenance then which is a lot
easier. 

LILY: Alright
we have got some more reasons after the break. 

YOU’VE GOT
MAIL. 

LILY: So this
one comes to us from Daniel in Riley North Carolina in the States. 

BONNIE: Oh

LILY: So this
is Daniel’s question.  My husband and I
live in a one bedroom apartment with very limited storage space, just one
closet, oh that is my nightmare, we store board games beneath our coffee table
and books, vases, knickknacks are stored randomly as decorative but that is
really just because we have nowhere else to put them, I do like it when you
have like a coffee table that you can pop board games and things under because
it makes it really easy to store

BONNIE: Yeah hidden
storage

LILY: Yeah it
is like hidden storage and then when you have friends over it is really easy to
bring it all out.  Anyway he continues,
how can we balance our desire to collect items of emotional importance,
developing our unique relationship living space with our need to preserve some
sense of organisation and a decluttered lifestyle. 

BONNIE: Oh that
is a big heavy question. 

LILY: Daniel
has been putting some thought into this problem in his house hasn’t he. 

BONNIE: He
definitely has

LILY: It makes
it hard because they so easily collect dust

BONNIE: And
they are so individual, like knickknacks are a great clutter confession because
they are sentimental to the person who has them but to somebody outside that
person, what do they mean, they mean nothing, so the first thing that springs
to mind for Daniel is having a boundary Daniel, making sure that you know, once
we exceed this many knickknacks we don’t have room for anymore so any new ones
that we want to acquire old ones have to go to make space because when we
continually acquire and we don’t actually discard the maths is we are going to
have too much and we are going to need to make some space for new things to
come in. 

LILY: It sounds
like these pieces are really sentimental and so I guess the good thing here is
they are not big bulky pieces of furniture that are taking up a lot of
space.  So what can he do to find a home
of them that still keeps everything organised, you know I guess if they are
things that you don’t have to have on display but you want to keep so that you
can occasionally open things up and have a look I would suggest a memory box

BONNIE: A
memory box is a good idea, another thing that you can do for knickknacks is try
and repurpose them in some way so that they form a practical use as well, so if
you have got mugs that are sentimental use them are your pen holders, if you
have got vases use them to put artwork in or flowers or any plants, if you like
having indoor plants, use your vases to grow aquaponic plants in there, so try
and turn those knickknack things into not just a display item but into
something that has a practical use as well. 

LILY: What
would you say for figurines, I feel like that is a tough one

BONNIE: That is
a really tough one

LILY: And I
feel like it is tough for you especially because you are very minimalist

BONNIE: I was
about to say I just don’t get the figurine thing at all

LILY: But there
are so many people out there

BONNIE: But
there are so many people who love it

LILY: But even
think about those pop figurines that they are like those little cartoon like
boblets, I don’t think their heads bobble actually and they are like quite big
and it is like a

BONNIE: That is
a really great description

LILY: People
who have them will know what I am talking about and everyone else will be like
what is she even trying to describe. 
Lets just say it is a figurine

BONNIE: Yeah
okay so what to do with them.  Well it is
once again about having a home for them but also having a boundary limit, so if
you are going to put them say on a windowsill, how many window sills are you
going to use, how many figurines are you going to put per windowsill because
you need to remember that in keeping your house clean, you actually have to
individually go and pick up each of those and dust underneath them and dust
around them, so maybe something like a china cabinet with a closed door is
actually a better use of your space, 
maybe a shadow box for those really special figurines that you don’t
want to get dirty and dusty but most of all you need to think about the
maintenance because everything you have in your house that is out on display it
is a to do at some point, it has to be cleaned, it has to be maintained, if it
is on  your windowsills and you have
blinds or curtains that need to come up and down, is that impeding the
practical use of those items, so yeah there is a lot to consider when it comes
to figurines unfortunately. 

LILY: and on
the note of like the shadow boxes and things I say my last piece of advice here
is if you are really struggling for space and these things are really important
to you and you don’t have space in a memory box anymore, if you are content
taking a photo with these items, you know just a fun photo holding these items
and then framing them and making a piece of collage art on the wall or
something like that or putting it into an album, if that is another way that
you can hold onto those memories but still have the space that you want back in
your apartment then that is something you can consider as well. 

BONNIE: That is
a great idea, turning something that is 3D into 2D and that is another tip that
you can use for your kids’ artworks as well, you know those huge, big box
creations with all the cereal boxes that they make, take a photo instead and it
is much easier to store. 

LILY: So if you
have a listener question we would love you to send it in, head to Little Home
Organised Facebook page and flick it on over. 

BONNIE: Okay so
we are talking about what is holding you back and we have talked about a couple
of common reasons that do hold us back from getting organised and starting our
decluttering journey, but I want to talk about a couple more, now the next one
is the whole think of money, money makes the world go around so what about that
reason or that excuse of I can’t afford it, what would you say to those people?

LILY: You would
be surprised that you can shop around at home, right and you have got options
in your home that you can utilise and also you find that once you start
decluttering you might have a bit more money because you can sell some stuff
online. 

BONNIE: Well
also when you do declutter you usually find that you do have containers that
are not needed anymore because you have gotten rid of the stuff that was inside
them and you can then repurpose them into other areas of the house. 

LILY: Another
thing you might find when you declutter is cash in pockets of times gone past
that you have forgotten about, so if anything decluttering is a great thing to
do if you are worried about money, but if you are worried about containment
systems and you think of I can’t have the pinterest perfect cupboard that is
okay your expectations there probably need to be adjusted unless the money is
going to come in another way, if you are going to have side hustle to be able
to afford that, so instead adjust your expectations and shop at home, seriously
shop at home, you would be surprised at what you can use around the house for
containers to help get things organised it doesn’t have to be a barrier to stop
you getting your house a little more orderly and functional. 

BONNIE: Another
thing is call out to your village, put a call out on your social media, text
your friends and family and say hey I am looking for any spare containers that
you have got, one thing I loved about Marie Kondo when her series was on Netflix
was the whole, she brought containers with her but they were just cardboard
containers and it was from shoes, or gifts that she had purchased and they were
just the left over cardboard boxes and she used those inside draws to help
vertical file fold and organise the draws and that is how easy it can be. 

LILY: Very
different to the Home Edit where it is all like brand new acrylics and like you
know really pretty as well but both are completely functional so if you are
worried about those that kind of money you know you can even do a call out
honestly lots of people have shoe boxes in their wardrobes because they haven’t
heard out Podcast yet of course and you know you could do a call out on your
socials and on a community group and be like hey I am just looking for some shoeboxes
and people will be like oh sure I have got shoeboxes that I have been meaning
to get rid of, so keep in mind you have got some avenues to make it affordable,
this doesn’t need to be a barrier, but another thing I definitely want to
mention Bonnie is a reason that people get really stuck in the whole process is
they don’t build good habits.  It doesn’t
become like a, they don’t set aside the time, it doesn’t become a part of their
routine to do the decluttering and organisation in the first place, or to build
the necessary habits to maintain it. 

BONNIE: Yeah
and look habits are key because once you have done that decluttering if you
don’t have those good habits in place you are not going to be able to maintain
it and sometime down the track you are going to find yourself in that exact
same place of being very cluttered because you haven’t put things away in the
homes that you have created for them and all those sorts of things, so habits
are essential for any cycle of change or stage of change in your life, you need
to put in place new better more positive habits. 

LILY: And on
that note Bonnie and I are going to do an episode upcoming on how to create
healthy habits and give you some techniques so that if you are someone who
struggles in this area you are really idealistic, you have the intentions there
but you struggle to get to that goal, we are going to help you build the habits
so that you are doing things everyday towards achieving that goal

BONNIE: And
another reason that people do tend to get stuck is that they can be a little
bit like me and maybe a little bit of a perfectionist and you procrastinate because
if you can’t have it perfectly then what is the point. 

LILY: This is a
really important message that we want to get across here, when people hear of someone
who is a collector or someone who hoards, they often have these images in their
mind or these assumptions about that person based on you know what they see in
the media and everything and one of the words they definitely wouldn’t
associate with a person who lives in this situation is a perfectionist, but
what is so interesting is that often a lot of these people who are suffering
with hoarding disorder or chronic disorganisation as well are perfectionists,
are suffering anxiety, are suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder because
what happens is there is this need to have everything looking so perfect that
if they are concerned that if they do anything, if they don’t do it right the
feelings of shame will be too much they wont be able to handle them. 

BONNIE: That is
exactly right and I do find it very interesting when you do delve into the
research behind hoarding disorder and the other disorders that kind of come
along with it that there is a really huge percentage of people who are keeping
things because when they get the house organised that item is going to be
perfect for that particular use and in the meantime keeping these items that
you cant actually use now is actually what is exacerbating the clutter and so
we kind of get stuck in this really vicious cycle of wanting things to be
perfect but not able to get there because we have got all this extra clutter in
the way of wanting things to be perfect and not bothering to do it because it
is like well it is not going to be perfect, maybe I don’t have the money to get
the right containers

LILY: or you
are so overwhelmed

BONNIE: Yes

LILY: Just so
overwhelmed by the prospect of tacking something that it cripples you. 

BONNIE: Yeah
and it is like well if it cant be absolutely perfect I am not even going to
bother and that is like the whole key message that we have about this Little
Home Organised Podcast is progress not perfection, we want you to take small
steps forward because small steps do lead to big change. 

LILY: I think
we could just the end the Podcast there that was beautiful Bonnie. 

BONNIE: Mic drop!
I wouldn’t actually do that because our producer would be like ‘no!’.

LILY He would
hear it in his ears.  The final point
that I wanted to mention before we jump into the key part of this episode that
I am so excited to share with you guys is about being defensive.  So along these same lines what can happen is
as we are feeling like we are a perfectionist, as we are struggling with the
chaos and disorder that may be in our home and we are such a busy mum and we
are trying to manage our household and like all these excuses start flying out
because we find ourselves feeling really defensive, of I just don’t have time,
I just don’t have time to do that or my kids are just so messy and before you
know it all of these defences are flying out of our mouths because we just feel
like we cant do it all and it is too much and we start to feel really
vulnerable and we start to feel shame because we want to do better, maybe we
are a perfectionist or we are just striving to do better than where we are at
and so no matter what the reason is, there are so many common reasons why
people get stuck and they don’t continue with decluttering and organising even
though they really want it, no matter what the reason is there is a mindset
shift that I want to talk about today that can really help you not just in this
area but in your life, I am so passionate about it, I have been wanting to do
this since we started our Podcast and I just haven’t known how to do it in the
best way possible and today we are going to do it. 

BONNIE: Is that
because you are a perfectionist. 

LILY: Maybe, we
will find out after the break. 

MUSIC

BONNIE: We have
got some exciting news coming your way, so keep an eye out on the Little Home
Organised website because very shortly there will be a new course launching and
it will be all over social media when it is available to.  I am not going to spill the beans on what
course it is but we have had quite a few people ask us about this so just a
little hint about what it might be, if you are someone who struggles to get
ready in the morning and get out the door feeling fine, this is going to be a
great course for you. 

LILY: And it is
super affordable so keep an eye out on our socials, keep an eye out on our
website, if you are not already on our mailing list make sure to join it and
you will be the first to know because when we launch it is going to have
discount pricing but only for a limited time. 

BONNIE: Ok so
tell me about this mindset shift you want to talk about

LILY: It is
going to blow your mind,

BONNIE: I
really don’t want to do that to our listeners, that is not going to be pretty

LILY: No, this
is something that I hope is something that you can take away from this episode
today, really spend some time in the shower, on your walks, in your car, whenever
you normally do a lot of your thinking and start to internally look at your
processes and internally look at how things work in your brain and then start
to think about how they work in your partners brain or in people in your life’s
brain.  You will see what I mean in a
second.  Ok so we are going to talk about

BONNIE: I don’t
think she could have gotten more vague. 

LILY: We are
talking about living our lives
above or below the line
, this is not about poverty this is about if
we live our life with more of a victor mentality or a victim mentality. Now the
purpose of this discussion is to empower you and so I am going to jump into
what this means now.  You look nervous
Bonnie, it is okay.

BONNIE: I am a
little bit nervous cause I am kind of yeah wondering am I a victim or a
victor. 

LILY: Well the
good news about this is we all are both

BONNIE: Ah so
it is kind of like the grey Wolf and the white wolf that you have got inside
you battling it out for you to be a good person or a bad person. 

LILY: Oh I
don’t know that this but I want to know more after this. 

BONNIE: Ok we
will have to delve into that one too

LILY: So I want
you to imagine there is a big line, a big horizontal line and below that line
is an acronym BED and above that line is an acronym OAR.  So OAR above the line and BED below the line

BONNIE: Ok

LILY: And in
our life as life events happen, we dip up above the line and down below the line,
so if we experience great highs, we may be really high above the line and if we
are experiencing trauma or a really rough patch, we may find ourselves below
the line a bit.  It is normal to go above
and below but our ideal is to try and make sure that we don’t go below the line
too much and that we try to stay above the line when possible.  So the acronym for above the line is
Ownership, Accountability and Responsibility and below the line is Blame,
Excuses and Denial. So now I want you to think of a scenario that happened with
someone recently maybe like a little bit of a disagreement when you were
arguing with them was your immediate instinct or your immediate response to
someone making you feel vulnerable which is what happens when we you know when
we feel vulnerable in life we obviously want to get defensive, we want to
protect ourselves, did you find yourself blaming someone else because of that
situation, throwing out a whole bunch of excuses, or just straight up denying
it.  So lets say you and your partner
have an argument about who was supposed to clean the bathroom,

BONNIE: We
never fight so this totally doesn’t relate to me. 

LILY: So lets
say you and your partner have a fight and you believe they should have cleaned
the bathroom because you spoke to them about it earlier in the week when you
were rushing out the door with the kids and they believe you should have done
it because they did last time and they did tell you about it but you know
that’s just what’s fair. 

BONNIE: Right
okay so communication breakdown and now you are in a state of aggression
towards each other. 

LILY: Yeah you
are feeling pretty cross about it, so lets say in this argument if you were to
blame your partner you would be saying well you didn’t tell me that it was my
turn to do it, or excuses I am so busy when would I have time to do that.

BONNIE:  Sure or the denial is the bathroom doesn’t
need cleaning. 

LILY: That is
denial, or you could deny and say and like it is also an excuse.

BONNIE: it
wasn’t my turn it was your turn. 

LILY: Yeah, it
is your turn, I am busy taking care of the kids, whatever, 

BONNIE: Sure,
okay and so what about if you are living above the line in this kind of
situation where the bathroom has not gotten clean. 

LILY: So same
scenario but switching our mindset in how we respond to this crisis of the
house. 

BONNIE: Totally

LILY: so,
ownership, you own it, yes, I own it, it was my turn to do the bathroom

BONNIE: And I
am very sorry

LILY: Well we
don’t even need to get to apologies just yet

BONNIE: Oh
don’t we, okay

LILY: But you
sounded very sincere there. 
Accountability

BONNIE: totally
sorry

LILY: I know
that you didn’t tell me about the bathroom, but I know that that is an area in
your life where you struggle to communicate and I know that that is an area, so
I know that I am aware it is my turn to do it and I need to be accountable for
the commitments that I have made with you to share to load of cleaning the
bathroom. 

BONNIE: So the
very simplified version of what you just jumbled out is I should have
remembered it was my turn to clean the bathroom not left it up to you because
we hadn’t talked about it. 

LILY: Yeah
these ones kind of meld together and then responsibility so just you know again
along the same lines of this is something that is important to have done in our
house and it is not a fun job but it is a shared responsibility and I need to
do my part to help out. 

BONNIE: Okay I
wonder how many marriages actually have people saying those words. 

LILY: We don’t
do we

BONNIE: I mean
I don’t think ours does very often

LILY: Well this
is the reality right so this applies to everything and it also applies to
decluttering and home organisation.  So
when someone says to you, I don’t know who would be saying this to you but if
you could imagine someone coming up to you and being like oh man your house is
so messy and the first response that comes out of your mouth is to blame
someone else, oh my kids are so messy like how on earth could I keep my home
clean

BONNIE: Sure

LILY: Or to
make excuses oh I just don’t have enough time in the day or just plain denial
my house isn’t messy what are you talking about. 

BONNIE: Yeah,
what you talking about Willis

LILY: It is
normal to have those feelings and thoughts, it is normal to have the positive
ones and the negative ones but the important message here is if your instinct
is to go below the line in this area and in a lot of areas of your life you are
actually taking away your power, you are actually becoming a victim and you
suddenly don’t have the control you need for change. 

BONNIE: Mmmm
that is really interesting

LILY: Because
when we sit below the line we are unable to take the steps that we need to take
to resolve whatever is bothering us so that is one thing like as far as action
goes like if you are like oh my gosh my kitchen is chaotic and you know my
partner and I have had a discussion about it and I just want to be able to do
something about it, if you are still below the line your aren’t prepare and you
aren’t open and your aren’t ready for change. 
So all the stuff that we were talking about before with all the common
reasons you are going to be swimming in there because you are not ready to
change. 

BONNIE:  Just
keep swimming, just keep swimming

LILY: Just keep
swimming in denial, who sees that mess not me, me, me, no what mess.  Um but the reason

BONNIE: How did
we all of a sudden switch to carol of the bells, 

LILY: I don’t
know oh, oh, um but the reason I love this concept so much is if you really
become open to growth and you look inwards and start to assess if you are
someone who is tending to live above or below the line you can actually empower
yourself, you can actually take back control because what we often fear is by
admitting we have done wrong or admitting we could have done it differently, we
are actually going to look really poorly but it is actually not true, it is
actually true that when we admit we didn’t do something right and we own it, we
are accountable and we admit to the responsibilities that we do have, you are
actually going to impress people. You are actually going to show them that you
know what, you are right, I should have done that and I am sorry and of course
coming with an attitude of love and compassion as well. 

BONNIE: Ok so
there are obviously some pros to living above the line and these are things
like you being in control, you have improved confidence, improved decision making,
better problem-solving ability and that all important factor of growth.  All of these things make us wiser, more
mature, more experienced but then there is also the cons side of things to
being a victim. So the cons of living below the line what are those. 

LILY: Oh gosh,
so you loose your sense of control, you like end up in a place where you are
really stuck, you probably find you are someone who gets stuck in a cycle, so
maybe of really struggling to achieve things, feeling really badly because you
don’t achieve them so then you don’t try, so then you don’t achieve, so then
you feel bad and it just cycles round and round and round

BONNIE: So like
a bit of a shame guilt cycle

LILY: Yeah,
yeah and the thing is you need to be kind to yourself, you truly need to be
kind to yourself because if you are not filling yourself with loving thoughts,
how are you going to pour them out onto other people as well and so it is
really important that we are not in a position that is on the defensive, we
want to be on the offensive, we want to be taking charge of our life, we don’t
want to be a victim to our life and of course there are situations where we
simply will be and that’s okay, life is about going up and down above the line
and below the line but we want to minimise that time down there, we want to
bounce back really quickly.  Now I do
have a disclaimer on this, okay for this to work you need to be self aware and
you need to be willing and open to looking inside.  So you need to be able to say I am not
perfect and that’s okay and that can be hard. 

BONNIE: You are
right that can be, so in light of this very deep discussion that we have kind
of delved into about the victim versus victim mindset, this weeks tidy task is
a bit of self reflection one because what I want our listeners to be able to do
is to actually find that self awareness and reflect on some situations where
you have been the victim below the line and some situations where you have been
the victor above the line and just start to make a bit of a plan moving forward
for one small tiny step that you can take next time a situation arises and you
have got that choice of how to respond, because I think too often we try and
change the situation, we try and change the people but we don’t realise that we
don’t have control over those things, we only have control over how we respond
to a situation or to a person, so what’s that small step that you are going to
take this week to help you live above the line instead of below it. 

LILY: Be open,
be willing to grow, look inwards, accept yourself as you are and own your stuff
it will empower you an all the reasons we talked about earlier you may find
that some of those just start to melt away. 

BONNIE: Like
ice, sorry it was just getting so deep and heavy

LILY: I know! We
are going to bring it back up by saying you are all amazing thank you so much
for tuning in, we really appreciate you taking the time to have us in your
years. 

BONNIE: And remember
progress not perfection. 

LILY: See you
later

BONNIE: Bye

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