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What Is Holding You Back?

Are you stuck in an endless cycle of attempting to ‘get your life together’ but you just can’t seem to land on your feet? Bonnie and Lily discuss some of the common reasons people struggle to make progress when decluttering their homes. They also take a deep dive into the Victim Vs. Victor mentality and show you how you can take back control of your life by changing the way you think. EPISODE SHOW NOTES

Episode Transcript

BONNIE: Hello and welcome, this episode we are talking about what is holding you back. So we are going to discuss some of the common questions that come up that seem to hold us back from getting traction on getting organised and we are going to take a deep dive into the victim versus victor mentality and talk about how you can live above the line instead of below it. 

LILY: But before we get into today’s episode we of course have to tell you about some of the freebees that we have up for grabs at the moment.

1.    If you need help getting organised and you just want a structured system to check out our organising cheat sheet it is so simple but so useful

2.    We have our decluttering decision making tree, so if you are someone who has tried to declutter and you found yourself getting stuck, a decision making tree is perfect because you can literally follow the yes / nos on it and figure out what to do with an item if you are really not quite sure. 

And of course Bonnie and I are very proud of the Essentials guide. It is a resource designed  to be accessible not matter where you are at home, you do it online, you do it at your own pace, lifetime access and if you are someone who wants the extra support, wants lots of information on the nitty gritty details of how to organise any space in your home, definitely check out https://littlehomeorganised.com.au/online-courses/the-essentials-guide/, just head to our website littlehomeorganised.com.au and you can find off of these there. 

BONNIE: Ok so today we are talking about what is holding you back and we are going to start by just kind of talking about some of the common reasons why we struggle to make progress, we want to get decluttered, we want to get organised, it is almost like we should be talking about the model for change, you know that whole cycle that we can get stuck in

LILY: The stages of change?

BONNIE: The stages of change

LILY: pre contemplation, contemplation

BONNIE: Yes, I love that model.  So lets talk about the first reason that people tend to get stuck. 

LILY: So if you don’t have a goal, we have an episode on this of course, SMART goals, check it out, but if you don’t have one, it is highly likely that you may get lost because there isn’t a sense of direction of something that you are working towards, having a goal in all areas of life is important. 

BONNIE: Yeah you are absolutely right, if we don’t have the end destination in mind we don’t really know which direction the journey is going to go in, so we can just be spinning around in circles not knowing which way to go and that is why the goal is so important because it gives us something to aim for

LILY: Now the reason we like SMART goals and talk about them all the time is because it is a really cool acronym that breaks down goal setting so you can make sure your goal is actually going to be achievable and one of the reasons that people get overwhelmed with decluttering and organisation is that they bite off more than they can chew, we talk about the classic example of someone going into their entire garage and wanting to like blitz that out on a Saturday and they haven’t done any organising or decluttering, or if they have it has been a long time and it just becomes so overwhelming, you know we bite off more than we can chew and that is often a reason that we stop and we don’t pick things back up again. 

BONNIE: That is so true because we really need to flex our decluttering muscles and we need to practice, practice, practice because practice does make perfect and we need to start with something small and not emotional, have success with that and then move onto bigger tasks and leave things like the garage for right down the end because they are mammoth. 

LILY: One of the other issues that comes up related to that is if you can’t see small milestones and small achievements you don’t build that momentum, you don’t see that reward, and we need rewards in life, if you have a really like big promotion at work, something that helps you feel really good about it is a reward, if a child completes their homework or their chores and they get a reward, you know like these things they are all tied in throughout our life, is this reinforcement for moving forward, for striving for all different kinds of things.

BONNIE: It is an incentive and this is so timely because at the moment we are toilet training with our 2 year old who is doing a fantastic job, he will be 3 in a few months and he is doing the whole when he does a poo on the toilet he gets a little match box type car and the last week or so

LILY: Probably similar in size


LILY: You are the one who brought up poo, continue

BONNIE: It is so exciting because he has earnt probably 8-10 cars over the last week because he is really just smashing in out and so now he will come into my parents bedroom in the morning and be like, look grandma I got new cars and mum is like oh what did you get those for and he goes I did a poo on the toilet, so the whole reward system is really great, you may think oh that is reducing us to these mindless animals who we are training

LILY: I hate to break it to you, you are one, it is reality

BONNIE: It really does work though, so why not embrace the system that actually works. 

LILY: So the other things that these rewards do is they are indicators, so the indicators of progress, and we don’t like doing things as people if we feel like we are just hamsters on a wheel turning, turning, turning, turning. 

BONNIE: We need feedback

LILY: We want to see progress, we want to see milestones


LILY: We want to know that we are on the right track, or that the efforts that we are putting out are producing something.  So this is one of those reasons where people get stuck is because they are not doing things in a way where they can see those small achievements, they have either gone in too hard, too quickly or there isn’t a system in place, it is just like kind off all over the show and they don’t get to then sit back and appreciate their work, a great way that you can monitor your progress and feel like you have made a big difference is before and after photos, 

BONNIE: Yes absolutely, and it is so funny because I am actually really bad at remembering to take before photos and I get to half way through and I think of dang I should have taken a before photo because it is really good for people who are very visually and who do need that kind of reminder of this is actually what it was like before we started and to be proud and to show other family or friends, this is what it was like before and now look at it because when we can see that visual difference it really is a really great feedback for us of this is how far we have come.  This is what we have achieved. 

LILY: Exactly so before and after photos. 

BONNIE: They are the way to do it, even if it is not something you want to share online or share with anybody else, even if it is just for you, it is a really great reminder of this is where I was and this is where I am now and it might be that you are not at your end destination but you have made progress and that is important to document that too. 

LILY: Another common reason is of course being time poor and aren’t we time poor

BONNIE: Especially being a parent it is just there is never enough time. 

LILY: You know when I hadn’t had a child yet and people said that to me who are parents, I was like oh parents are always going on about it,

BONNIE: Ha, You have no idea what you are talking about

LILY: they just love to whinge parents but you know there is an element of truth in that, that there is so much less time and I am not at the point where I am about 3 with 1 on the way which is obviously your situation but time is precious, it is one of our most precious resources and it is so, so essential that we use our time well and we start to feel like if we are not intentional we lose that time for us if we don’t make it, our time for our partners if we don’t make it, our one on one time with our kids if we don’t make it


LILY: Time is like time is tricky, so one of the things that often overwhelms people is that just think, oh I don’t even know where I would fit this in my day to try and get on top of this and I know the problem is continuing to build and build and build which is overwhelming in its self but I just don’t even know how to dive in there and do something about it. 

BONNIE: You know it is interesting because no matter who you are, we have all got 24 hours in the day, it doesn’t matter whether you are a millionaire or a pauper or someone in between we have all got 24 hours in the day and yes people who have got lots of money who might have a lot of outsourcing done for them so that makes it seem like it is easier for them but at the same time we have got a decision to make with how we spend our 24 hours everyday and when you look back over your last 24 hours or over your last couple of days or last couple of weeks, what did you actually spend most of your time doing, because this then indicates to us what our priorities are, so you might say, my priority is to declutter but if you haven’t actually set aside any dedicated time to declutter well you are just saying that that is a priority, you are not actually making it happen.  So sometimes there are things that do get in the way of us being able to make that time, like caring for young children or caring for aging parents. 

LILY: A cat

BONNIE: Your cat or someone who has got an injury or a disability and those are things that are kind of non negotiable, you know we need our people in our lives to kind of stay alive and thrive but if you look back over those times where you weren’t engaged in that absolute necessity of caring for someone, what did you do with that extra time, did you spend it mindlessly scrolling on social media, did you go and binge watch some Netflix show, I mean if it really is a priority for you, you need to set that time aside and actually make it happen and that is why hiring a professional organiser can be really good because you have booked that time in, you are paying for that time so you have got a bit more skin in the game and you will actually get there and actually get it done, which will help you kind of with your traction going forward. 

LILY: Another visual way to think about this if you are a really visual person is I want you to visualise a pie chart and imagine that your time. 

BONNIE: What sort of pie

LILY: Mmmm apple, what would you have. 

BONNIE: Something with chocolate

LILY: Oh yeah well I didn’t know chocolate was in the game.  Um obviously chocolate

BONNIE: chocolate gives me really bad reflux at the moment.  It is very sad. 

LILY: Um it is your bodies way of being like no more.  Yes so if you imagine you have a pie chart,  a whole pie chart, a whole pie on your chart and you divide up your time into little slices of pie, so maybe 20% of your time is spent at part-time work and 40% is child caring, caring for your kids and 10% is spent doing stuff for yourself, whatever it is, this whole pie chart, this 24hours is completely filled already right, no organising decluttering considered, it is filled, you are on a mission now to declutter and organise your home and you are like sweet, I have got to find time to do that, that literally means you need to cut some of the pieces of the pie that are already allotted and take them out and put the decluttering and organising in. 

BONNIE: Yep so just off load your children and there is 40% of your time back

LILY: Done

BONNIE: But no seriously this is actually sometimes what you have to do, and when our clients book in a session with us and they have still got toddlers or pre schoolers that are at home they will often send that child to day-care or send that child to a friend or family member so that they can make that time for decluttering, because when you do declutter the idea is not that you do the same thing repeatedly for the rest of your life, decluttering is suppose to be a okay this is a project, it might be a big project, we are going to slowly work through it over the next couple of weeks, months whatever it is and then once it is done it is much easier to maintain my home so I don’t need to quite have such a big chunk of my pie dedicated to that decluttering and organising because that foundation is there and it is just about the maintenance then which is a lot easier. 

LILY: Alright we have got some more reasons after the break. 


LILY: So this one comes to us from Daniel in Riley North Carolina in the States. 


LILY: So this is Daniel’s question.  My husband and I live in a one bedroom apartment with very limited storage space, just one closet, oh that is my nightmare, we store board games beneath our coffee table and books, vases, knickknacks are stored randomly as decorative but that is really just because we have nowhere else to put them, I do like it when you have like a coffee table that you can pop board games and things under because it makes it really easy to store

BONNIE: Yeah hidden storage

LILY: Yeah it is like hidden storage and then when you have friends over it is really easy to bring it all out.  Anyway he continues, how can we balance our desire to collect items of emotional importance, developing our unique relationship living space with our need to preserve some sense of organisation and a decluttered lifestyle. 

BONNIE: Oh that is a big heavy question. 

LILY: Daniel has been putting some thought into this problem in his house hasn’t he. 

BONNIE: He definitely has

LILY: It makes it hard because they so easily collect dust

BONNIE: And they are so individual, like knickknacks are a great clutter confession because they are sentimental to the person who has them but to somebody outside that person, what do they mean, they mean nothing, so the first thing that springs to mind for Daniel is having a boundary Daniel, making sure that you know, once we exceed this many knickknacks we don’t have room for anymore so any new ones that we want to acquire old ones have to go to make space because when we continually acquire and we don’t actually discard the maths is we are going to have too much and we are going to need to make some space for new things to come in. 

LILY: It sounds like these pieces are really sentimental and so I guess the good thing here is they are not big bulky pieces of furniture that are taking up a lot of space.  So what can he do to find a home of them that still keeps everything organised, you know I guess if they are things that you don’t have to have on display but you want to keep so that you can occasionally open things up and have a look I would suggest a memory box

BONNIE: A memory box is a good idea, another thing that you can do for knickknacks is try and repurpose them in some way so that they form a practical use as well, so if you have got mugs that are sentimental use them are your pen holders, if you have got vases use them to put artwork in or flowers or any plants, if you like having indoor plants, use your vases to grow aquaponic plants in there, so try and turn those knickknack things into not just a display item but into something that has a practical use as well. 

LILY: What would you say for figurines, I feel like that is a tough one

BONNIE: That is a really tough one

LILY: And I feel like it is tough for you especially because you are very minimalist

BONNIE: I was about to say I just don’t get the figurine thing at all

LILY: But there are so many people out there

BONNIE: But there are so many people who love it

LILY: But even think about those pop figurines that they are like those little cartoon like boblets, I don’t think their heads bobble actually and they are like quite big and it is like a

BONNIE: That is a really great description

LILY: People who have them will know what I am talking about and everyone else will be like what is she even trying to describe.  Lets just say it is a figurine

BONNIE: Yeah okay so what to do with them.  Well it is once again about having a home for them but also having a boundary limit, so if you are going to put them say on a windowsill, how many window sills are you going to use, how many figurines are you going to put per windowsill because you need to remember that in keeping your house clean, you actually have to individually go and pick up each of those and dust underneath them and dust around them, so maybe something like a china cabinet with a closed door is actually a better use of your space,  maybe a shadow box for those really special figurines that you don’t want to get dirty and dusty but most of all you need to think about the maintenance because everything you have in your house that is out on display it is a to do at some point, it has to be cleaned, it has to be maintained, if it is on  your windowsills and you have blinds or curtains that need to come up and down, is that impeding the practical use of those items, so yeah there is a lot to consider when it comes to figurines unfortunately. 

LILY: and on the note of like the shadow boxes and things I say my last piece of advice here is if you are really struggling for space and these things are really important to you and you don’t have space in a memory box anymore, if you are content taking a photo with these items, you know just a fun photo holding these items and then framing them and making a piece of collage art on the wall or something like that or putting it into an album, if that is another way that you can hold onto those memories but still have the space that you want back in your apartment then that is something you can consider as well. 

BONNIE: That is a great idea, turning something that is 3D into 2D and that is another tip that you can use for your kids’ artworks as well, you know those huge, big box creations with all the cereal boxes that they make, take a photo instead and it is much easier to store. 

LILY: So if you have a listener question we would love you to send it in, head to Little Home Organised Facebook page and flick it on over. 

BONNIE: Okay so we are talking about what is holding you back and we have talked about a couple of common reasons that do hold us back from getting organised and starting our decluttering journey, but I want to talk about a couple more, now the next one is the whole think of money, money makes the world go around so what about that reason or that excuse of I can’t afford it, what would you say to those people?

LILY: You would be surprised that you can shop around at home, right and you have got options in your home that you can utilise and also you find that once you start decluttering you might have a bit more money because you can sell some stuff online. 

BONNIE: Well also when you do declutter you usually find that you do have containers that are not needed anymore because you have gotten rid of the stuff that was inside them and you can then repurpose them into other areas of the house. 

LILY: Another thing you might find when you declutter is cash in pockets of times gone past that you have forgotten about, so if anything decluttering is a great thing to do if you are worried about money, but if you are worried about containment systems and you think of I can’t have the pinterest perfect cupboard that is okay your expectations there probably need to be adjusted unless the money is going to come in another way, if you are going to have side hustle to be able to afford that, so instead adjust your expectations and shop at home, seriously shop at home, you would be surprised at what you can use around the house for containers to help get things organised it doesn’t have to be a barrier to stop you getting your house a little more orderly and functional. 

BONNIE: Another thing is call out to your village, put a call out on your social media, text your friends and family and say hey I am looking for any spare containers that you have got, one thing I loved about Marie Kondo when her series was on Netflix was the whole, she brought containers with her but they were just cardboard containers and it was from shoes, or gifts that she had purchased and they were just the left over cardboard boxes and she used those inside draws to help vertical file fold and organise the draws and that is how easy it can be. 

LILY: Very different to the Home Edit where it is all like brand new acrylics and like you know really pretty as well but both are completely functional so if you are worried about those that kind of money you know you can even do a call out honestly lots of people have shoe boxes in their wardrobes because they haven’t heard out Podcast yet of course and you know you could do a call out on your socials and on a community group and be like hey I am just looking for some shoeboxes and people will be like oh sure I have got shoeboxes that I have been meaning to get rid of, so keep in mind you have got some avenues to make it affordable, this doesn’t need to be a barrier, but another thing I definitely want to mention Bonnie is a reason that people get really stuck in the whole process is they don’t build good habits.  It doesn’t become like a, they don’t set aside the time, it doesn’t become a part of their routine to do the decluttering and organisation in the first place, or to build the necessary habits to maintain it. 

BONNIE: Yeah and look habits are key because once you have done that decluttering if you don’t have those good habits in place you are not going to be able to maintain it and sometime down the track you are going to find yourself in that exact same place of being very cluttered because you haven’t put things away in the homes that you have created for them and all those sorts of things, so habits are essential for any cycle of change or stage of change in your life, you need to put in place new better more positive habits. 

LILY: And on that note Bonnie and I are going to do an episode upcoming on how to create healthy habits and give you some techniques so that if you are someone who struggles in this area you are really idealistic, you have the intentions there but you struggle to get to that goal, we are going to help you build the habits so that you are doing things everyday towards achieving that goal

BONNIE: And another reason that people do tend to get stuck is that they can be a little bit like me and maybe a little bit of a perfectionist and you procrastinate because if you can’t have it perfectly then what is the point. 

LILY: This is a really important message that we want to get across here, when people hear of someone who is a collector or someone who hoards, they often have these images in their mind or these assumptions about that person based on you know what they see in the media and everything and one of the words they definitely wouldn’t associate with a person who lives in this situation is a perfectionist, but what is so interesting is that often a lot of these people who are suffering with hoarding disorder or chronic disorganisation as well are perfectionists, are suffering anxiety, are suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder because what happens is there is this need to have everything looking so perfect that if they are concerned that if they do anything, if they don’t do it right the feelings of shame will be too much they wont be able to handle them. 

BONNIE: That is exactly right and I do find it very interesting when you do delve into the research behind hoarding disorder and the other disorders that kind of come along with it that there is a really huge percentage of people who are keeping things because when they get the house organised that item is going to be perfect for that particular use and in the meantime keeping these items that you cant actually use now is actually what is exacerbating the clutter and so we kind of get stuck in this really vicious cycle of wanting things to be perfect but not able to get there because we have got all this extra clutter in the way of wanting things to be perfect and not bothering to do it because it is like well it is not going to be perfect, maybe I don’t have the money to get the right containers

LILY: or you are so overwhelmed


LILY: Just so overwhelmed by the prospect of tacking something that it cripples you. 

BONNIE: Yeah and it is like well if it cant be absolutely perfect I am not even going to bother and that is like the whole key message that we have about this Little Home Organised Podcast is progress not perfection, we want you to take small steps forward because small steps do lead to big change. 

LILY: I think we could just the end the Podcast there that was beautiful Bonnie. 

BONNIE: Mic drop! I wouldn’t actually do that because our producer would be like ‘no!’.

LILY He would hear it in his ears.  The final point that I wanted to mention before we jump into the key part of this episode that I am so excited to share with you guys is about being defensive.  So along these same lines what can happen is as we are feeling like we are a perfectionist, as we are struggling with the chaos and disorder that may be in our home and we are such a busy mum and we are trying to manage our household and like all these excuses start flying out because we find ourselves feeling really defensive, of I just don’t have time, I just don’t have time to do that or my kids are just so messy and before you know it all of these defences are flying out of our mouths because we just feel like we cant do it all and it is too much and we start to feel really vulnerable and we start to feel shame because we want to do better, maybe we are a perfectionist or we are just striving to do better than where we are at and so no matter what the reason is, there are so many common reasons why people get stuck and they don’t continue with decluttering and organising even though they really want it, no matter what the reason is there is a mindset shift that I want to talk about today that can really help you not just in this area but in your life, I am so passionate about it, I have been wanting to do this since we started our Podcast and I just haven’t known how to do it in the best way possible and today we are going to do it. 

BONNIE: Is that because you are a perfectionist. 

LILY: Maybe, we will find out after the break. 


BONNIE: We have got some exciting news coming your way, so keep an eye out on the Little Home Organised website because very shortly there will be a new course launching and it will be all over social media when it is available to.  I am not going to spill the beans on what course it is but we have had quite a few people ask us about this so just a little hint about what it might be, if you are someone who struggles to get ready in the morning and get out the door feeling fine, this is going to be a great course for you. 

LILY: And it is super affordable so keep an eye out on our socials, keep an eye out on our website, if you are not already on our mailing list make sure to join it and you will be the first to know because when we launch it is going to have discount pricing but only for a limited time. 

BONNIE: Ok so tell me about this mindset shift you want to talk about

LILY: It is going to blow your mind,

BONNIE: I really don’t want to do that to our listeners, that is not going to be pretty

LILY: No, this is something that I hope is something that you can take away from this episode today, really spend some time in the shower, on your walks, in your car, whenever you normally do a lot of your thinking and start to internally look at your processes and internally look at how things work in your brain and then start to think about how they work in your partners brain or in people in your life’s brain.  You will see what I mean in a second.  Ok so we are going to talk about

BONNIE: I don’t think she could have gotten more vague. 

LILY: We are talking about living our lives above or below the line, this is not about poverty this is about if we live our life with more of a victor mentality or a victim mentality. Now the purpose of this discussion is to empower you and so I am going to jump into what this means now.  You look nervous Bonnie, it is okay.

BONNIE: I am a little bit nervous cause I am kind of yeah wondering am I a victim or a victor. 

LILY: Well the good news about this is we all are both

BONNIE: Ah so it is kind of like the grey Wolf and the white wolf that you have got inside you battling it out for you to be a good person or a bad person. 

LILY: Oh I don’t know that this but I want to know more after this. 

BONNIE: Ok we will have to delve into that one too

LILY: So I want you to imagine there is a big line, a big horizontal line and below that line is an acronym BED and above that line is an acronym OAR.  So OAR above the line and BED below the line


LILY: And in our life as life events happen, we dip up above the line and down below the line, so if we experience great highs, we may be really high above the line and if we are experiencing trauma or a really rough patch, we may find ourselves below the line a bit.  It is normal to go above and below but our ideal is to try and make sure that we don’t go below the line too much and that we try to stay above the line when possible.  So the acronym for above the line is Ownership, Accountability and Responsibility and below the line is Blame, Excuses and Denial. So now I want you to think of a scenario that happened with someone recently maybe like a little bit of a disagreement when you were arguing with them was your immediate instinct or your immediate response to someone making you feel vulnerable which is what happens when we you know when we feel vulnerable in life we obviously want to get defensive, we want to protect ourselves, did you find yourself blaming someone else because of that situation, throwing out a whole bunch of excuses, or just straight up denying it.  So lets say you and your partner have an argument about who was supposed to clean the bathroom,

BONNIE: We never fight so this totally doesn’t relate to me. 

LILY: So lets say you and your partner have a fight and you believe they should have cleaned the bathroom because you spoke to them about it earlier in the week when you were rushing out the door with the kids and they believe you should have done it because they did last time and they did tell you about it but you know that’s just what’s fair. 

BONNIE: Right okay so communication breakdown and now you are in a state of aggression towards each other. 

LILY: Yeah you are feeling pretty cross about it, so lets say in this argument if you were to blame your partner you would be saying well you didn’t tell me that it was my turn to do it, or excuses I am so busy when would I have time to do that.

BONNIE:  Sure or the denial is the bathroom doesn’t need cleaning. 

LILY: That is denial, or you could deny and say and like it is also an excuse.

BONNIE: it wasn’t my turn it was your turn. 

LILY: Yeah, it is your turn, I am busy taking care of the kids, whatever, 

BONNIE: Sure, okay and so what about if you are living above the line in this kind of situation where the bathroom has not gotten clean. 

LILY: So same scenario but switching our mindset in how we respond to this crisis of the house. 

BONNIE: Totally

LILY: so, ownership, you own it, yes, I own it, it was my turn to do the bathroom

BONNIE: And I am very sorry

LILY: Well we don’t even need to get to apologies just yet

BONNIE: Oh don’t we, okay

LILY: But you sounded very sincere there.  Accountability

BONNIE: totally sorry

LILY: I know that you didn’t tell me about the bathroom, but I know that that is an area in your life where you struggle to communicate and I know that that is an area, so I know that I am aware it is my turn to do it and I need to be accountable for the commitments that I have made with you to share to load of cleaning the bathroom. 

BONNIE: So the very simplified version of what you just jumbled out is I should have remembered it was my turn to clean the bathroom not left it up to you because we hadn’t talked about it. 

LILY: Yeah these ones kind of meld together and then responsibility so just you know again along the same lines of this is something that is important to have done in our house and it is not a fun job but it is a shared responsibility and I need to do my part to help out. 

BONNIE: Okay I wonder how many marriages actually have people saying those words. 

LILY: We don’t do we

BONNIE: I mean I don’t think ours does very often

LILY: Well this is the reality right so this applies to everything and it also applies to decluttering and home organisation.  So when someone says to you, I don’t know who would be saying this to you but if you could imagine someone coming up to you and being like oh man your house is so messy and the first response that comes out of your mouth is to blame someone else, oh my kids are so messy like how on earth could I keep my home clean


LILY: Or to make excuses oh I just don’t have enough time in the day or just plain denial my house isn’t messy what are you talking about. 

BONNIE: Yeah, what you talking about Willis

LILY: It is normal to have those feelings and thoughts, it is normal to have the positive ones and the negative ones but the important message here is if your instinct is to go below the line in this area and in a lot of areas of your life you are actually taking away your power, you are actually becoming a victim and you suddenly don’t have the control you need for change. 

BONNIE: Mmmm that is really interesting

LILY: Because when we sit below the line we are unable to take the steps that we need to take to resolve whatever is bothering us so that is one thing like as far as action goes like if you are like oh my gosh my kitchen is chaotic and you know my partner and I have had a discussion about it and I just want to be able to do something about it, if you are still below the line your aren’t prepare and you aren’t open and your aren’t ready for change.  So all the stuff that we were talking about before with all the common reasons you are going to be swimming in there because you are not ready to change. 

BONNIE:  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

LILY: Just keep swimming in denial, who sees that mess not me, me, me, no what mess.  Um but the reason

BONNIE: How did we all of a sudden switch to carol of the bells, 

LILY: I don’t know oh, oh, um but the reason I love this concept so much is if you really become open to growth and you look inwards and start to assess if you are someone who is tending to live above or below the line you can actually empower yourself, you can actually take back control because what we often fear is by admitting we have done wrong or admitting we could have done it differently, we are actually going to look really poorly but it is actually not true, it is actually true that when we admit we didn’t do something right and we own it, we are accountable and we admit to the responsibilities that we do have, you are actually going to impress people. You are actually going to show them that you know what, you are right, I should have done that and I am sorry and of course coming with an attitude of love and compassion as well. 

BONNIE: Ok so there are obviously some pros to living above the line and these are things like you being in control, you have improved confidence, improved decision making, better problem-solving ability and that all important factor of growth.  All of these things make us wiser, more mature, more experienced but then there is also the cons side of things to being a victim. So the cons of living below the line what are those. 

LILY: Oh gosh, so you loose your sense of control, you like end up in a place where you are really stuck, you probably find you are someone who gets stuck in a cycle, so maybe of really struggling to achieve things, feeling really badly because you don’t achieve them so then you don’t try, so then you don’t achieve, so then you feel bad and it just cycles round and round and round

BONNIE: So like a bit of a shame guilt cycle

LILY: Yeah, yeah and the thing is you need to be kind to yourself, you truly need to be kind to yourself because if you are not filling yourself with loving thoughts, how are you going to pour them out onto other people as well and so it is really important that we are not in a position that is on the defensive, we want to be on the offensive, we want to be taking charge of our life, we don’t want to be a victim to our life and of course there are situations where we simply will be and that’s okay, life is about going up and down above the line and below the line but we want to minimise that time down there, we want to bounce back really quickly.  Now I do have a disclaimer on this, okay for this to work you need to be self aware and you need to be willing and open to looking inside.  So you need to be able to say I am not perfect and that’s okay and that can be hard. 

BONNIE: You are right that can be, so in light of this very deep discussion that we have kind of delved into about the victim versus victim mindset, this weeks tidy task is a bit of self reflection one because what I want our listeners to be able to do is to actually find that self awareness and reflect on some situations where you have been the victim below the line and some situations where you have been the victor above the line and just start to make a bit of a plan moving forward for one small tiny step that you can take next time a situation arises and you have got that choice of how to respond, because I think too often we try and change the situation, we try and change the people but we don’t realise that we don’t have control over those things, we only have control over how we respond to a situation or to a person, so what’s that small step that you are going to take this week to help you live above the line instead of below it. 

LILY: Be open, be willing to grow, look inwards, accept yourself as you are and own your stuff it will empower you an all the reasons we talked about earlier you may find that some of those just start to melt away. 

BONNIE: Like ice, sorry it was just getting so deep and heavy

LILY: I know! We are going to bring it back up by saying you are all amazing thank you so much for tuning in, we really appreciate you taking the time to have us in your years. 

BONNIE: And remember progress not perfection. 

LILY: See you later


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